Sunday, December 19, 2010

Baby = Broke

The other day I threw this gem at my husband, just to see if he was paying attention: "I want another baby."  His response?  "Then get a second job.  Or how about a new hobby?" 
I know, this seems harsh, but really?  He's totally right.  I mean, I read somewhere that the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 is comparable to buying a house.  A really nice one.  Like with heated floors (I'm perpetually freezing) and a bidet (and sick of wiping my kid's butt).
After we had our kiddo, I was home with him for a whopping 2 weeks before my husband said, "You know that car in the garage?  If you want to keep it, you have to go back to work.  Tomorrow." 
You would think this would have upset me.  But I threw myself upon him with tears of gratitude (slash-post-partum-depression).  I had no idea what to do at home with a tiny person who could not speak.  Mostly, the baby and I just sat around and cried together.
I have been a working mom for the entirety of my kid's life; mostly because I like having a roof over my head.  And other than providing me with a few days of sanity each week, working also allows me to keep my child in clothes and electronics. (Could the good people at Nintendo and Apple please quit one-upping themselves already?  It is exhausting trying to explain to a 5 year-old why an iPad is not in the Family Budget.  His response: "Maybe you should use Microsoft Quicken.")

Here, a few reasons why Baby = Broke (Or Why Banks Invented the Home Equity Line of Credit):

Maternity clothes- $40 for ONE shirt?!  That you are going to wear for THREE months?  You don't need maternity clothes until month 4 if you're lucky, and those last 2 months?  Chances are you will only fit into one sweatsuit anyway.  (And you will ask your husband- with complete seriousness- if adding a sparkly pin to the front makes it "formal.")
Diapers- Every complaint I have about this one involves expletives and/or poop humor. Let's leave it at this:  Surely the phrase "flushing your money down the toilet" originated with the invention of disposable diapers.
Babysitters- Say you want a date with your husband.  Or a trip to the mall without a stroller.  (Although now that my kid is past stroller-phase, I am appalled at the idea of carrying my shopping bags.  And my purse.  Sidenote: the "Mommy Hook"?  Does not work on your belt loop.)  Not only do you have to shell out the cash for your romantic dinner and/or those fabulous new high heels you've been eyeing (glittery Candies, size 7 1/2 please, Santa), but you must also pay for the cost of your solitude.  And in this economy?  You're better off ordering a pizza in your slippers.

A Merry Christmas to you, Cool Mamas.  May you spend a fabulous holiday with your Cool Kiddos.  As for me?  I'm off to work.  Those heels (and heated floors) aren't going to pay for themselves.

No comments:

Post a Comment