Right before the holidays, I had a very long, very bad day at work. I wanted nothing more than to come home, crawl into bed with my Kindle and a glass of wine, and look forward to the impending Christmas/My Birthday weekend. (Sucked when I was younger; totally Cool with it now. But please do not buy me a "combination" gift, or you will find yourself "de-friended" next time you log onto Facebook. Sidenote: is it bad that I manage to bring Facebook into most conversations?) While this vision was beautiful in my head, I forgot to take the fact that I'm a Mom into consideration. Here is what happened instead:
1) I got comfy on the couch, turned on the Kindle, and was promptly head-butted by my son. Hard.
2) Put my kid in the tub, where he announced: "I forgot to go to the bathroom!" I told him to pee in the tub. (I know. But walk a mile in my shoes before you judge, please.) Of course this was too gross for him (he gets that from his hyper-clean father), so he waited. And when he finally slid from tub to toilet, he missed. Shocking. Did I mention I was trying to have a phone conversation with my brother (Shout-out to MakeItMad.com!) at the time? Talk about your birth control: after hearing this incident, I'm sure he is super-glad to be young, single, and 3,000 miles away from this crazy train.
3) I tell my son to put his pajamas on while I clean up the pee that is now sprinkled all over the bathroom. When I finally make my way into the living room, I find a stark-naked child with his face pressed up against the television. (God forbid he misses 10 minutes of Spongebob, even though he has seen it so many times that he head-butts people assuming they are "sponge-y" and can't be hurt.) I yell: "Get your wet face off of the television or you will get electrocuted!" (Have I not mentioned the "Worst Case Scenario" philosophy yet? Other examples: "Get away from that lake or you will drown!" "If you don't hold my hand, a stranger will kidnap you and I will never see you again!" "If you hit me, the police will take you to jail!")
4) I have a (tiny) breakdown, during which it becomes difficult to tell who is yelling and who is crying. I tell my kid that if he just gets him jammies on, he can watch TV for the rest of the night. (And mentally note that my parenting skills aren't exactly up to par with Dr. Phil.)
5) My husband walks in carrying a large cardboard box and says, "Look at the deal I got on this case of wine!" (I love a story with a happy ending, don't you?)
Happy New Year, Cool Parents (I am an equal-opportunity blogger)!