How many of you cool moms can remember the joyous day you brought your very first kiddo home from the hospital? (That is, if they even let you out-- it takes mad skills to manuever that chinese finger trap known as the infant car seat.) Mine went a little something like this:
Me: Whew, that was a crazy couple days, wasn't it? I'm exhausted. Let's put this kid in the crib and get some sleep, shall we? (Present-day me just laughed so hard I shot coffee out of my nose)
Baby, upon laying down: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Husband, sweating: Oh no, you're crying too?! I've heard stories about this. I think I'm supposed to make you a cup of tea.
Fast-forward to the next time I got 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep: 2 YEARS LATER. That is 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. Lucky I'm not writing this from a padded cell, eh? But that's what no one can put into words for a first-time cool mom-- that TIRED takes on a whole new meaning:
1) Don't bother saying the word "exhausted," especially right out of the gate. You don't even know what this word means yet. You know you're getting close when you figure out how to prop up the baby's bottle with the dog's head because this one moment of sitting down will instantly render you narcoleptic. And if a non-mom friend has the audacity to say "I watched a Real Housewives marathon last night, and today I'm sooo tired," it's perfectly ok to pray that your baby spits up on her.
2) Don't bother saying the word "sleep." You lost that privelege the day the stick turned pink. Only acceptable use of the word: "I would gladly give up a kidney if this kid would just sleep!" Also? Crying louder than your infant does not help the situation. It only makes your husband ready to jump from the crazy-train that has become his life.
3) Speaking of sleep, did you know that a brand-new baby does not, in fact, sleep in an enormous crib down the hall? No, they require a much smaller, cozier contraption that you set up RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR BED. So don't go flailing that arm for the snooze button. In fact, feel free to pack away that alarm clock right next to your dancing shoes, because your kid will be in college before you need an electronic device to wake you up again.
Sidenote: There are a few occasions when you will WANT to stay awake: To consider the baby's cute face, and assure yourself that there is no other baby as cute as yours. To listen to him breath when he is sick. And of course, to watch the MTV Video Music Awards. (Just in case Britney is on, because it's always nice to know that someone's life is crazier than yours... right?)