My son "pantsed" me today at the shoe store. De-pantsed? Removus pantus? Whatever the proper name is, let's imagine for a moment: Me, trying on the cutest pair of peep-toe booties, admiring my toenail polish, when all of the sudden Bam! My son launches himself at me, tumbles to the floor, and takes my pants with him. Turns out an episiotomy is not the worst thing about motherhood-- it's standing in a shoe store in your polka-dot skivvies. At least my feet still looked cute.
After telling my child that Santa, under NO circumstances, brings kids who "de-pants" their moms a Wii, I realized that Mommy Embarrassment is a common occurrence. Just yesterday a friend told me that her 4 year-old walked up to a man smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk and said to him,"You're gonna DIE!" Yet another kiddo asked a large woman at the grocery store, "Is there a baby in your belly?" And I will always remember the day that my son yelled to me in a crowded public restroom, "Sheesh, Mommy, are you pooping again?!"
How do cool moms handle these situations? We stockpile these moments in our heads for retribution during the teenage years. You see, one day when you tell me how "un-cool and embarrassing" I am? I will remember the air upon my derriere that day in the shoe store...
Ask me to drop you off around the corner where your friends can't see me? I will invest in a megaphone and shout out the window, "I LOOOOVE you babykins! Don't forget your inhaler!"
Tell me to quit singing Madonna in the car? You'd better believe my (stunning) rendition of "Like a Virgin" will somehow end up as the ringtone when your girlfriend calls you.
Ask me to leave you alone in your bedroom with said girlfriend? Heh. I've got the photo of you in a tiara and fairy wings at the ready, and an itchy finger over the facebook "Share" button.
So keep your heads high, cool moms. (Unless your pants are around your ankles in a shoe store. Then keep your red face to the ground, chickie, while silently thanking God that you took your butt to cash in that "free panty" at Victoria's Secret.) One day, the tables will be turned. And when your heart breaks a little as you try to hug your teenager and he shrugs you off? Try humming a few bars of Madonna. Maybe he'll let you hold on just a second longer.