As you all know, I had my baby at 25, while unmarried and living in a different zip code than my Baby Daddy.* (And if you didn't know? Welcome to the party. What took you so long? Put an umbrella in your drink and make yourself comfortable!) Therefore, I am chock-full of advice on what you should NOT do when you are a young, selfish, first-time-mom.
1) Do not say "No thanks, I'm sure we will be fine," when your mother offers to move in with you for the first week after Bringing Home Baby. This woman has successfully raised you to be a non-psychopath, remember? (At least in the medical-slash-legal sense of the word. Practicing voodoo on your skinny neighbor because you can't get your pre-baby Spanx on past your ankle is perfectly normal.) She most certainly has answers to your first-time-mom questions. (And if not, she will provide you with endless commentary of how she used to do things "in HER day." Example? "Gas drops? Ha. In MY day, I dipped a sprig of parsley in hot oil and put it right up your bum.") Set her up in the room with the largest bed, so everyone in the house can curl up with her and cry during midnight feedings. And then beg her to stay for the month.
2) Do not listen to your husband when he says, "Let's use my family doctor for the baby. He's a great guy. And oh yeah... he's really hot, so you'll like him." (As if I would base my son's health on the hotness of his doctor. Please. That is only part of the reason I chose him.) Because when he walks into your hospital room and the jaws of your friends drop onto the floor, you will look down at your ravaged, unshowered body and hate your life. Also? The temptation to get dolled up in full makeup and a cocktail dress every time your kid needs a vaccination will be hard to ignore. (Shout-out to Doc: Thanks for everything! And I promise I will never again ask for a breast exam in your office.)
3) You know that video they try to show you at the hospital to make sure you know how to take care of your newborn? The one that tells you how to feed him, bathe him, and basically not pull a Britney on him? Well, don't spend the duration of this video giggling with your husband about the mullets and acid-washed jeans onscreen. Otherwise when you get home, you might show up on your mother's doorstep saying, "How do I get this stuff out of his neck folds?" (Sidenote: when your mother graciously takes your baby and washes him, do not plop your head on the kitchen table and fall instantly asleep. I may or may not have slept through an entire year of my child's baths.)
Here's hoping y'all learn from my first-time-mom mistakes. You will be just fine as long as you don't shave your head, change your kid's diaper in the middle of a department store, and get carted off to the looney bin. (I was always rooting for ya, Britney!)
*Present-day husband. When the stick turned pink, I had the good sense (somewhere between a brief bout of hyperventilation and the popping of a Xanax) to yell: "You'd better marry me!"