Sunday, November 21, 2010

Cool Mom No-Nos

As I'm sure you all know, there are certain... limitations placed on your life once you take on the role of Cool Mom.  (Yes, of course there is joy, bliss, blahblahblah.  I'm not an emotional deviant.  But would you really want to read this list if it were titled "Sunshine, Rainbows, and the Undying Love I Have for my Child?  And while we're at it, you?  Whose Facebook status is something like " looking at my child's face and realizing why I was put on this earth"?  Please forgive me if I "LOL.")

So here are a few examples, in no particular order, of Things You Can't Do Now That You're A Mom:

1)  A somersault.  My child was recently practicing this (seemingly easy) task, and asked me to show him how.  Big mistake.  Who knew a somersault could knock the wind out of you?  Three hours later, when my head was still throbbing and my back was in spasms, I comtemplated a trip to the emergency room.  The only thing that stopped me was imagining my conversation with the triage nurse.  (Surely there are 30 year-old people in Cirque Du Soliel?  And they are obviously not crippled by a somersault.)
2)  Wear a belly-baring shirt.  Must I really elaborate on this?  Because that belly?  Once contained an entire person.  Chances are, it didn't deflate back into your 18 year-old abs.  And if you are a cool mom whose stomach sank into a six-pack after birth?  Well, you're right up there with unicorns and leprechauns, so I would love to see it in person. (But leave the belly-shirt at home.  Even if you are Hottie McFitness, I promise you that your child will want to stick his finger in and out of your bellybutton for the duration of the meeting.)
3)  Party like a rock star.  This one is easy: hangover + baby = a mistake you only have to make once.
4)  Have a grown-up conversation.  I called 3 cool mom friends to ask their opinion on this list, and was not able to speak full sentences to any of them.  Each and every one was interrupted (between 2 and 50 times) with cries of "MOM!!" from our children.  (Did any of these kids actually need anything?  I will let you decide: when one mom lost it and bellowed "WHAT IS IT NOW?", her son simply said, "I can see your buttcrack.")
5)  Partake in a little "wink-wink-nudge-nudge" with the husband without fear of being caught.  Nothing says "let go of your inhibitions" like looking over your shoulder every 3 seconds for the face of a confused (horrified) child.  Seriously, I dread the day when the whole "we were just wrestling" thing stops working.

Do you miss these things?  A little.  But probably not as much as your 18-year-old-gravity-defying C-cups.

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