Sunday, October 31, 2010

What a Cute Little Lobster!

I have an addiction to candy.  Specifically, gumballs.  So you can imagine my excitement at the prospect of a holiday that provides FREE candy to people.  Unfortunately, those people are children wearing costumes, and claiming you're dressed as a Cool Mom only gets you dirty looks.  It was therefore a beautiful thing when I popped out a child 5 days before Halloween.  Sidenote:  It was not so beautiful at the next holiday gathering, when I was forced to eat Thanksgiving dinner with a screaming newborn strapped to my chest in a Baby Bjorn.  In case you are wondering, gravy is not easily removed from cradle cap.  (It was at this point that I began to wonder how old a child has to be before a cool mom can enjoy a peaceful holiday meal.  My kid is 5 now, and I'm still waiting.  He has already announced, "Don't think you're gonna get me to eat any of that turkey this year.  I don't care how much you yell."  Well.  I'm excited, aren't you?) 
But back to Halloween.  Before my kid could even walk, I would stuff him into a fluffy costume, break out the stroller, and take him around the neighborhood.  Did it matter that the kid a) could not even say trick-or-treat and b) was sound asleep?  Nope.  I had a kid, goshdarnit, and everyone knows the rule is: kid + costume = candy.
However, for normal, non-sugar-addicted grown-ups, the best part of having a little one at Halloween is the costume.  Suddenly creatures and foods that you would never, ever find "cute" in real life become endearing when a pudgy baby face is sticking out of it.  (Granted, that face is probably crying from the embarrassment of being trussed up like, say, a lobster.  But hey, a red face goes with the costume!)  A peapod?  Adorable.  Hot dog?  Precious.  And I dare you to name another time you get the urge to snuggle a honeybee.
This weekend I also saw a tiny child dressed as Leatherface.  So there's always that option.  (I know, this is the part when I rant and rave about how many things are wrong with a 2 year-old-texas-chainsaw-body-butcherer.  But I'm feeling charitable this holiday weekend, so I won't go on about how that mom will only be able to see her son through a bulletproof glass partition in 20 years.  Maybe 10.)
When the big event is all said and done, and  my child goes to bed that Halloween night, I sort through the candy to pull out all the things he "won't eat", "probably won't eat", and "well, he will eat it, but I gave birth to him and now have to pee every 20 minutes so it's only fair that I eat it myself."  Is this wrong?  Maybe.  But so are stretchmarks.


  1. Oh my word how wonderful this is! You make me laugh hysterically every darn time!!!

  2. free candy baby! it's all worth it!
    -Batman and Tinkerbell's Cool Mom!

  3. You delight me.
    These get better and better.
    I quite literally laugh out loud when I read this blog, often disturbing the peace.

  4. This year, while giving out candy to numerous Thomas the trains, caspers and various barnyard animals I laid my eyes on the best halloween costume ever...a 5 year old dressed as a Christmas Tree WITH lights!! I know where's the battery pack! I gave the mom a high five and a handfull of candy for the road....